Oh Smytty, it's such a pity

Yesterday was a tragic day in the life of Don. Veteran Oiler, Ryan Smyth was traded to the NY Islanders. Smytty has been with the Oilers since '94. Even his jersey number is 94.

Smytty is the embodiment of classic Canadian hockey. Textbook sportsmanship, crafty and coy on the ice without being a dick. He's even got the hair. He's a good egg, just like my Donny. Dependable, amiable and let's not forget talented. He's known for his "sticking close to home" goals.

We'll miss you, Smytty.

Casting the net wide with Canada Adopts

"A babe in the house is a well-spring of pleasure."
- Martin Fraquhar Tupper

To anyone who's reading this, please forward the following link. It is our Canada Adopts profile and quite possibly the route that will bring us to a baby.

http://www.canadaadopts.com/registry/parents/2771/index.html

Thanks, and wish us luck!

Happy birthday to me

The big 3-5 today. Or "halfway to 70" as my brother put it so sensitively.

My part-time lover Jimmy Spader shares the same birthday. Except he's 47.

I'd still love him to pin me up against a locker though.

*Picture is of me in the summer of '72 with little Joe, my grandparents' puppy. I wish Joe was 35 today too.

Talk dirty to me, Jimmy.

This entry is an invitation. To James Spader. For some filthy philandering.

Don doesn't know about the naughty crush I harbour for James Spader.
He knows I love Boston Legal but does he know I want Alan Shore (James Spader) or (even better!) smarmy, preppy prick Steff from Pretty in Pink to pin me up against a wall and talk cheap?

If he doesn't know now, he soon will.

It's not surprising that "Jimmy" is a former private school boy. He went here. He's got the cocky blue blood 'tude down pat.

Give it to me, Jimmy.

Living just enough for the city

Not much to share today. Just thought I'd post a few cool pics from our Sunday walk in Leslieville. We (I) wanted to check out the relatively new espresso bar west of Queen and Broadview, Darkhorse (brilliant name). I was suitably impressed by my double Americano and organic date square. I will most definitely return.

On the subject of Leslieville, I doubt I'm the only one who passes by the China Lily factory on Queen East and wonders why someone with vision and cash hasn't done something cool with it. The location is choice and the building itself is neat to look at. Maybe I'll win the lottery and open my authentic soda fountain/pie palace/ crafters den - The Sill Pillow.

Oh yeah---remember the psychiatric assesment fiasco? Well, all is well. I got my letter from my former therapist and I'm in the clear. An excerpt from the thoughtful letter:

"I feel whole-heartedly that Sarah has settled into a stable, calm and happy life in Toronto with Don. As a couple I feel they will offer a youngster a wonderful and stable home..."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Year of the Baby?

It's the year I turn 35---quite possibly the very age I've idealized since I was about 19. Ahhh, 35---life will be PERFECT then.

So naive.

But the irony is---despite the wisdom I've gained and the disappearance of the rose-coloured glasses, I'm actually feeling like this could be a very good year. Admittedly, a large part of this has to do with the optimism around being matched with a baby. The journey has just begun and I have every reason to think we're good candidates. We're officially in the game now (*see our booklet above) and we have a lot to offer, if I do say so myself. I'm sure this confidence will come back to bite me in the ass but for now, it's serving me well.

I happened to be in Ottawa on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday (mainly to meet with my former therapist to update my paperwork to appease my family doctor on the mental health question) and at the suggestion of our social worker, I arranged to meet with one of the better adoption licensees in Ontario. I spent over 2 hours with her and walked away with a better idea of what we're in for, in the way of birthmother expectations. One of these expecatations that threw me for a bit of a loop was the surprisingly common practuce of "name sharing." Essentially, it is what is. The birthmother shares her favourite names with the adoptive parents and it's agreed that the baby will have at least one name of the birthmother's choosing. Personally, I have a bit of difficulty with this, but it's not something that I couldn't come around on. My only condition would be that Don and I choose the child's first name (which, by the way, we already have a nice roster to choose from).

Had a great tine in Ottawa, hanging with brother Doug and my expectant sister-in-law. They're clearly made for each other as evidenced by the above picture.

Will this be our year?

How can I not be optimistic about 2007? Starting in about 2 weeks, Don and I will be officially "on the market" looking for a baby to call our own. We'll be calling on friends and family letting them know our situation and asking them to kindly keep us in the back of their minds, should they know anyone who might have a connection to a young birthmother.

Our last homestudy meeting is on January 11th, and our adoption worker will be drawing up her report on us shortly thereafter. We're also attending an "adoption intake" meeting at the Toronto Children's Aid Society on January 10th. Here we'll learn what's involved in adoption through CAS and possibly what/who is currently available for adoption. Even though there are obvious risks with adopting through CAS, we're curious to know more. I'll keep you posted on that.

We started out the new year today with a lovely walk in the Beaches. The weather was incredible (although, we did just see Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth' and I can't help but temper my glee at the mild temperatures with a certain amount of fear and concern for our planet's future well-being...)

Anyway, the locals were out in droves with kiddies and dogs and lattes in hand. It was great to be one of them---even if we only had each other's hand in hand.

My resolutions this year?

1) Learn how to sew and embrace my inner craftiness

2) Become more physically flexible

3) Eat more wisely

4) Obsess less about real estate and home renos (Damn you, HGTV!)

5) Read more

6) Keep in better touch with friends

I think that's enough to keep me busy.

*Above pics from our walk this morning

Age ain't nuthin' buttah numbah... that gradually increases around one's waist

Who knew my 35th year would be the year my body decided to fail me. I sure didn't.

I won't bore you with the infertility, muscle cramps, thryoidectomy, heel spurs, arthritic wrists, back pain and gravity-challenged breasts. But I will share the dark demon known as metabolic betrayal. What the eff is up with this body I don't recognize anymore?? Granted, I'm not the most active girl in the change room, but really, I've never been that girl and I've still somehow managed to have a body that I can "live with" when confronted with my wicked stepmother, Madam Mirror.

But NOW! NOW, I'm all of a sudden not recognizing myself and it's troubling to say the least. I've even misjudged the space my hips take up in public spaces and have had to endure the shock of "not fitting." We're talking seats on the subway, namely. A horrifying discovery to say the least.

My face is the width of Silken Laumann's shoulders. The bags under my eyes could store Don's lunch. Who needs blue jeans when I can live my life forever in blue veins.

Soooo... I've resorted to trusty ol' Weight Watchers---the only way I know how to bring back some semblance of the body I once knew. Xmas day marks one week since I started and it's weigh-in day. Because I'm doing WW Online, I'll be weighing myself. (Fine by me, as I've come to the conclusion that WW meetings are not my thang.)

My starting weight? 179lbs. My goal weight? 145.

I've attached a pic of myself when I was at that very weight of 145. Just before I moved to Edmonton. Oh, Edmonton---how could you?

Have Yourself a Merry Anti-Xmas

So for various reasons, my 35th Xmas will be the least Xmas-y Xmas ever. And frankly, I'm cool with that.

But I'm also very cool with the fact that my dear brother Doug and his lovely wife Kristin will be popping in for some quick 'nog n' nosh on Xmas afternoon. They will be our only guests, and I anxiously await their arrival. Especially since....

... they're expecting their first baby!!! My first neice or nephew! My parents' first grandchild!

It's all very exciting.

Naturally, my ultra-sensitive brother was apprehensive about sharing the news with his faultily-wired sister, but I assured him it was news I wanted to hear. It was news that made my heart full.

This coming spring, Doug and Kristin's lives will change forever with the arrival of this little mystery creature. And I for one, know that little one is in good hands.

Work on your bedside manner, lady

I had a rather upsetting experience yesterday, one that frankly I could have done without considering everything else on my plate.

A little background... last month I had a physical for the purposes of getting some paperwork signed by my family doctor for our homestudy. Turned out my own doctor was away so a replacement filled in. She said that the signature would have to wait until my family doctor arrived back. Meanwhile, I proceeded with all the annual check-up questions and threw in the fact that I had a few episodes of anxiety and depression of late (Gee, I wonder why?!) and that I might want to explore the possibility of some counselling---something I've done in the past and has worked well.

So jump ahead to Dec. 4th and I'm sitting in the office with my doctor. A chilly woman on a good day, an ice queen on her worst. So I explain why I'm there (was also there to get bloodwork results on thyroid, insulin and calcium levels). She rifles through my folder and finds the adoption paperwork. She unenthusiastically begins filling out the necessary fields and then she notes the mention of depression on the report filed by the replacement one month earlier. I believe her warm opening on the subject was something along the lines of "So, what's this (the depression) all about?"

I began to explain my occasional anxiousness and tendency to dwell on certain issues, how I sometimes fear it may affect my performance at work etc. WELL, that's enough to make her put the pen down. "I can't fill this out in this period of time. You're going to have to make a 30 minute appointment and I need to find out more about this depression. I really think you should experiment with your higher levels of thyroid medication. Also, I may have to request a psychiatric evaluation.

A PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION!? WHY?

Because I drag my heels every once in a while? Because I haven't had a good laugh in a couple of weeks? Because I obsess about home renos a little more than the average HGTV-aholic? Eat one too many pastries in a weekend?

Gimme a break.

I joke, but really I'm shitting my pants. No matter how normal I feel, or those who know and love me---this woman has the upper hand and I have to let her swing it however she deems necessary. Plus, I've got to bite my tongue when I feel the urge to challenge her or defend myself (something I find very difficult to do when I feel poorly treated or wrong done by).

I'm posting (what else!) another Jessie Wilcox Smith illustration. I love this one because both the mother and baby look so incredibly peaceful in one another's arms. It looks like the baby has just awoken from a nap and the mother has yet to discover the sweet open saucers. Or maybe mom is so at peace, she's about to nod off herself.

Oh, to be that mother.

No, it's not a new necklace...

... it's my effing keloid scar. I honestly can't remember if I've briefed all of you on this albatross around my neck. You all know about the thyroidectomy but did you know that the scar didn't heal properly and I developed a keloid scar ( a raised scar that has a tight, burning sensation that can continue to grow into something incredibly unsightly?).

Anyway, I had the keloid removed and now I have several months of cortizone injections to supress the overacting scar tissue. This is not fun for several reasons. The doctor is notorious for long wait times in the waiting room. I waited for 3 hours today. Also, needles in the neck are never fun, especially when the freezing doesn't take. I kid you not. I had a needle to freeze the site today, waited 15 minutes for it to take and it killed when he adminstered the first injection. He then applied a topical anesthetic cream that took half an hour to numb me up. On top of this, the tissue is so hard, his arm actually shakes when he's pushing the needle in.

When I signed on to have this thyroidectomy, I had no idea this is what I'd be in for. I honestly don't know if I would have done it, if I'd known what I know now.

And did I mention, it's been a bit of an emotional adjustment? The neck I've known for 34 years is different---forever. I hate looking at this thing. It's a blemish I could definitely live without.

Sorry for the selfish rant.

Onto happier subjects---like the fact that I've grown to LOVE the Leslieville area of Toronto. This pocket of the T-dot really floats my boat. Even though I've never been to the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, I have a feeling the two might be sisters. Bristling with creativity and a laid back, anti-scenester vibe, L-ville seems to know the recipe for smart local business development that supports independents and manages to keep its ego in check. One can only hope that it fends off the fate of places like West Queen West and 48 Abell Street...

I'm going to do my part as a Leslieville fan and attend the First Annual Holiday Wanderlust this Thursday... can't wait.

Extra! Extra! Tell all your friends about it.

In roughly 2 months time, Don and I will be engaged in some serious self promotion in our efforts to find a match with a birthmother. We've taken on the design services of a girl I work with named Andrea and we plan to put together a real whiz bang booklet to distribute to anyone who might know someone who would be in a position to offer us a baby to call our own.

Last week, I sat down and drafted the "More about Sarah" page and it was the ultimate exercise in self reflection. In the space of one page, I wrote about my childhood, my teens, my professional life and my dreams of being a mom.

This past weekend was full of family fun. Mom, Dad and sister Mary visited and we got in some nice quality time. I even helped Mare with some homework from her advertising class. In a lovely twist of genetic symbiosis, it appears as though Mary is following in her sister's footsteps and has knack for the ol' marketing writing. Good on ya, Mare.

On the pop culture front---a couple of things---Tom Cruise---you're eff-ed up. Katie---you're dick-whipped and brainwashed. Suri---you're adorable and free to be adopted by Don and I any time---preferably before you can pronounce "Scientology."

*Note: Photo above taken this past weekend. One of the perks of not being pregnant? Mindless consumption of red wine.

Baby wants a day off

So gang---what has happened in the last few weeks that's worth noting? Well, the second homestudy meeting has come and gone and we can rest easy knowing that our respective upbringings were loving and healthy and perfect training ground for our future as parents. The references from family and friends are rolling in (Thanks, guys!) and our only snafu was that we didn't send a money order along with our police check, so it got mailed back. That's now taken care of and all we really have to worry about is putting together our "promo booklet".

This coming Wednesday, my co-worker and friend Andrea is coming over to help us brainstorm our booklet. Andrea is a gifted graphic designer and I know she'll give us a leg up when it comes time to "get our names out there".

Today, I am taking a much needed day off work to essentially do nothing. A little blogging, a little snoozing, a little cuppa tea, a little daydreaming.

What baby wants, baby gets.

I haven't mentioned my crafting bug lately but just so you all know, it's still there. The crafty mavens dotting the universe have not ceased to amaze me with their brilliance and I long to be one of them. The ideas are in swirling in my head---I just have to make them happen!

The one thing I would LOVE to master the art of is sewing a basic baby sundress, Crew neck, broad strap, A-line sundress. Maybe with a couple of pockets to store the odd jellybean in.

My buddy Sarah McCallum has graciously offered to loan me her sewing machine for a stretch so I can learn the basics and (hopefully) graduate to ownership of my own machine (specifically, this one).

One baby I'd love to make a sundress for is the darling one you see above. Sweet Charlotte Smith, daughter of my friends Kate and Sean. It took me 10 months to finally meet this little ball of cute and it was well worth the wait. Don was quite smitten with her too---particularly with her docile manner. I'm afraid she's set the bar high for the babe that ends up in our arms.

Ok, baby wants lunch. Baby's gonna get....

Putting the DO in aDOption.

So, I've been promising an update on the adoption pursuit. So here we go...

On September 26th, Don and I met with our homestudy social worker for the first time. Thankfully, we really hit it off and think she's just great. The fact that she also does social work on the other side (with birth mothers) is a real bonus, in our opinion.

The past few weeks have been spent checking various requisites off the list---fingerprints sent to RCMP, asking friends and family to be references, booking medicals, filling applications out, and perhaps the most interesting task---writing our letter to the birth mother. Challenging because we know we need to make ourselves stand out amongst all the other prospective parents, but also enjoyable because it was a real exercise in expressing our desire to be parents. You realize that most parents don't always take the time to answer this question in any great detail. But when you do---you actually walk away with a better sense of what you both want out of life and it's really quite lovely and enriching, if I can be so fromage.

I toyed with posting our letter here on the blog but I think I'll wait until our mini Web page is posted to www.canadaadopts.com ---likely in a few weeks.

Next meeting with the social worker is Oct. 26th. Main subject of discussion? Our own childhoods...

San Frantastic

Ok, this entry is a wee but overdue but better late than never. I had the unforgettable pleasure of spending 4 days in San Francisco with my good friend, Jilly. AKA, Gillian Keith, soprano extraordinaire. She was performing in Berkeley (in an amazing "dramatick/ semi-opera" interpretation of "King Arthur", put on by the Mark Morris Dance Group), and she graciously offered me half her bed at the Hotel Durant for free! How could I not go?

Anyway, I had an incredible visit. Albeit, far too brief. What an amazing city. Colourful, liberal, hill-y, intelligent and strangely un-American. And did I mention how amazing the coffee is? San Franciscans clearly get their coffee. Particularly, Blue Bottle Coffee, a funky hole-in-the-wall located in an alley (yes, an alley) in the Hayes Valley district. The best cappucino I've ever had in my life. Accompanied by the perfect sized walnut shortbread and peanut butter cookies. I was transported to another dimension.

They also get their food. Local, seasonal and simple. The Ferry Plaza Market was dreamy. Jill and I also had a delicious meal (and a tantalizing Bloody Mary) at The Zuni Cafe.

Shopping of course was grand too. Next time, I plan to spend more time on Filmore Street. And there *will* be a next time, I assure you.

*Above pics of Blue Bottle Coffee and heirloom tomatoes at the Ferry Plaza Market.

Banksgiving

I' ve been somewhat irregular with the posts lately. Must do something about that.

I've got next to no time to say much of anything right now, as I'm at work and have a leadership training workshop to go to in 5 minutes. But I will say that Thanksgiving at the Banks was lovely. Mom, Dad, brother and sister-in-law, and Sarah and Tony.

Will write more later---specifically about the homestudy and my trip to San Fran.

For now, here's a pic of Banksgiving 2006.

Good times with the in-laws

Just a quick post to celebrate the fact that I was blessed with lovely in-laws. Sweet, helpful, unimposing in-laws who clearly love their son as much as I do. They've been with us for 4 days and they head back to Edmonton tomorrow.

We capped off our visit at the famed Golden Gate Restaurant (AKA "The Goof" to locals) in the Beaches tonight. Awesome Chinese food! Great service! See the pics.

We'll miss them very much.

On a completely different note----tomorrow is our first meeting with the adoption practitioner, Angela. Wish us luck!

Nope

Even a bountiful basketful of eggs doesn't help me get pregnant. I took a test just over an hour ago. Only one friggin' pink line. You can't help but think cosmic forces are conspiring against you when you watch that magical pee make its' little journey across the stick.

I actually left work at lunch today feeling strangely nauseus. Making Don's lunch this morning made me gag. Some guy's oily hair on the streetcar was too much for me to bear. On top of that, I felt like I'd been hit by a MAC truck. So can you blame me for being hopeful on my way to drugstore?

Oh well. I'm practically immune to disappointment now. At least on that front.

Time to switch gears. Adoption, here we come.

Turning a new leaf

Well, today is the day I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test, according to the doctors at the RBU. Today is the day I find out if I'm expecting quads or just rain. (For those who don't know already, I produced an unusual number of follicles this cycle---4 potentially viable eggs). I honestly don't know if pregnancy symptoms start this early (in the 2 weeks following ovulation) but I really haven't had anything that would make me think I finally got lucky. Besides, I'm too occupied with a thrown out back (today is my second day off work) and some very irritating stinging that's going on with my thyroid scar.

When I get the results of the test later today, I predict I'll let my shoulders down and happily resign myself to "fertile failure." I'm more than ready to start the adoption chapter in our lives. Perhaps I'll begin crafting a profile like this.

Part of doing a profile like the one above will be proving that Don and I are good with kids (with the help of visual aids like the photos above).

Photos
Me with my friend Hilary's daughter Jayda in Winnipeg, Manitoba
Don with his friend James' son Walker in Canmore, Alberta

Saving Grace

Just a little plug for my favourite breakfast joint in Toronto, Saving Grace. We went there with Sarah and Tony on Saturday before we headed to Niagara Falls and the four us salivated over the plates of heaven before us.

Apparently it's also a favourite of Sarah Polley and the lead singer of Sloan.

Check it.