No skeletons here

Funny how a closet can change your life. Okay, that's a bit melodramatic but really, I feel like a million bucks with this new closet....

New house! New friends! New sister-in-law! Oh my!

Unforgivable! How do you all go so long without your Small Fry fix?!

Bottom line. This entry is long overdue. And I have lots to talk about.

Let's start with the fact that I'm still not pregnant and I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that I won't be (unless I stop trying, adopt a little one and get lucky because my hormones are all of a sudden happy and productive).

Currently in the middle of our last fertility drug cycle (no IUI this time---3 was not a charm) and already have our first homestudy meeting with the adoption practitioner on September 26th. Gearing up for the probing grill of questions but really, I'm not that nervous. I know we'll do just fine.

Moved into the new house roughly 3 weeks ago and I'm loving it. I really feel at home and could see us here for a good long while. In the next couple of weeks, we're having a custom built-in wardrobe installed and most of the house will be painted. We ordered a nice new bed ( a low-profile, robin's egg blue birch sleigh bed---ultra cottage-y--just the way I like it).

Sarah and Tony (AKA McCally and T-Bonze) arrived a couple of weeks ago and we've been showing them their new hometown. Such fun! Methinks they like it here.

On August 19th, my brother and his new wife Kristin had a celebratory post-wedding Ottawa BBQ with family and friends and I got a little wasted. FUN! We also managed to fit in a visit with Owen and Sandra, who had their first baby, Alison, in July. Obviously we saw this a great photo opp for our adoptive parents online gallery, as you can see above.

Toronto population grows by 2

In less than a week, our dear pals Sarah and Tony make the move from Edmonton to the T-dot and we couldn't be happier.

Sarah will be here to expand her cerebral capacity by doing her Masters in Classics at UofT and Tony Baloney will no doubt explore his artistic talents at every turn.

They will be fine additions to the "centre of the universe."

Come Sarah and Tony! We're waiting for you!

*The above pic was taken at mine and Don's farewell last August just before we moved to the T-dot. Who knew that these two cuties would join us a year later...

The world needs more cottage life

I just lost a long post and I simply don't have it in me to re-write tonight. In a nutshell---here's what I had to say:

• This past weekend was spent at Uncle Jim's cottage in the 1000 Islands. Weather was perfect and we had a great time
• In a paradoxically modest yet bold move, my Mom exited the cottage sans wig and looked great. Free from synthetic hell, she let her Judi Dench do catch a breath of fresh air and I told she should go wig-free from that day onward
• Don was unusually wussy when it came to fully submerging his body in the waters of the St. Lawrence. "It's too cold! It feels like knives!" (I say he was wussy, but really it was kinda of cute in a pathetic way ;)
• Great food, lots of laughs and the ever-present reminder that the simple life is the best way to live...

What a taxing day

As I type this entry, I'm sitting in the offices of H&R Block at King and University. Making use of free Internet while I wait for my taxman, Lawrence Lazarus to show up. (Crazy name, eh?)

Yes, for the first time in my life, I was late filing. Reason? Freelancing doesn't produce T4s. It produces mounds of receipts that (as I'm quickly discovering) don't amount to much in the end.

*Skip ahead 1.5 hours: I've just arrived home from TaxmanLand. Shocking to admit but I made a paltry $15K last year and I still manage to owe the government $1500. That's with roughly $3000 in business expenses. To quote Dennis Miller: "I'm SICK of bein' hassled by the Man."

*The lovely picture you see here was taken back circa '92 at Carleton University when the only thing that was taxing me were exams. I'm not sure how this prom dress made the grade, but here it is, in all its whore-y glory.

I'd like my eggs ovary easy please

Another $800 down the tube. I got my period today. Thus begins another pointless cycle. And my last one, I might add. Called in my "Day One" to Mt. Sinai. My emotionless voice over the phone sounded like Steven Wright.

"Hi, this is Sarah Wilkinson calling in with Day One on Monday. I'd appreciate a Day 3 appointment at your earliest possible time. 7 or 7:15am would be great. Thanks a lot. Bye."

I'm so fucking sick of this, you have no idea.

On the brighter side of life, Don and I had a nice weekend in Stratford. The Glass Menagerie was wonderful (heavy and sad, but very moving). We ate well and encountered quaintness at every corner. I've attached a couple of pics.

Yellow Tail did something crazy to me

Ok, folks---it's rare that I do two blog entries in one day but my experience with a certain wine (Yellow Tail Chardonnay) and movie (Match Point) made me do it.

The wine (which I've had before---it was served at our wedding) was strangely intoxicating (both literally and figuratively) for the both of us. Combine that magic with a suprisingly erotic Woody Allen thriller and you've got a memorable night. Jonathan Rhys Myers meets Scarlett Johannson is scintillating.

I think I'll be stocking up on Yellow Tail for the remainder of the summer. Don said it reminded him of the fall leaves on our wedding day. I told him it smelled like candy floss.

Getting excited about the move

August 11th is the day we can finally call 18 Glenmore Rd. home. I'm really looking forward to it. We drove by it today and wandered around the Beaches and it all felt good.

There's a discernably different vibe in the Beaches. It's the Venice Beach of Toronto. Very laid back, liberal and, well, beachy. I like.

Today I made a brownie recipe that I snagged from a girl at work. Really very delicious (there's 1 cup of Guiness in them!) but it's bad for this girl to have too much of a good thing within her reach.

Yesterday, Don and I went to a Blue Jays game with my folks. It was an awesome game. Went for 14 innings and the Jays won! I should mention that my Mom finished her radiation last week and now she's on the road to recovery. She's in fine form, I must say. Just anxious to have her hair back.

Looking forward to the 4 day work week I have ahead of me. Don and I are off to Stratford for 2 days on Friday. I'm told I should expect a very charming little Ontario town. I've seen many in my life and I never tire of them. I'm sure we'll have a great time.

I'll be taking a pregnancy test a week from tomorrow. Not optimistic but I'm pretty used to the disappointment.

While I wait for a child of my own, I've decided that I'm going to pursue being a Big Sister (*Annette: thanks for the encouragement). I'll begin the application process this week and hopefully I'll have a match by the fall. I'm thinking I'll ask for a 13 year-old.

Must run. Off to finish making a lovely cold pasta salad with roasted garlic and tomatoes.

*Above pics of Jays game yesterday

Ah, simpler times

Got this pic from my Mom today. It's me and my brother circa 1980. That's an OLD remote on Doug's lap. It's mammoth! It's a great pic to analyze. I'm in my nightie and Dougie has yet to get his pyjamas on. Hyperactivity (as evidenced by his juvenile display) is likely to blame. I have no idea where we are. That couch rings zero bells for me. I'd love to know what has Doug in stitches. This was before he got all intellectual and shit, so his cause for laughter likely has something to with pure idiocy.

Why I'm clutching my neck, I'll never know. My thyroid was the size of a baby oyster back then.

Speaking of babies, it's been a while since I briefed you all on our reproductive adventures. I know you're brimming with curiosity.

We just completed our second IUI on Saturday. I had one healthy follicle ripe for ovulation. The plan was to do one more cycle after this one and then start the homestudy process for adoption in the fall. I just *know* the fertility specialist is going to look at us with disappointment when we tell her we're throwing in the towel. "But you and Don have great chances!" she'll say. "Are you sure?!" I can't say for sure what our response will be but for now, I want to get the wheels in motion for adoption. Each IUI costs roughly $800. Pennies compared to IVF but still, it adds up.

As always, I'm seeing WAY too many glowing pregnant women and yummy mommies. The mothers or mothers-to-be makes me green with envy but seeing the wee ones take 10 years off my face. The wee ones can do no wrong.

There's something about Caitlin

Hey there, Caitlin. You know who you are. But allow me to introduce you to my 5 or 6 other faithful blog readers.

Caitlin, my friends, is a lovely work colleague of mine who happened upon my blog quite innocently while doing some United Way research. When her discovery was revealed to me, I admit I had a momentary panic attack about the damage my trash talk might have on my career. But my fears were fleeting whenI quickly realized that 1) I really have no secrets and 2) I only have good things to say about United Way.

But I couldn't let the girl get away with this knowledge she now has of me without a little tit for tat, if you know what I'm sayin'. So I figured I'd tell the world a little bit about her (mainly because she's an interesting gal).

Caitlin is quite simply the epitome of style and quite frankly, I have a love/hate relationship with her. There are a very small number of people in this world who have a consummate sense of style (Ali McGraw, Jackie Kennedy and Katherine Hepburn are among this elite and gifted group). Little Miss Caitlin is one of them. Terms like "smart", "put together", "crisp", "classic" and "radiant" spring to mind when I see this girl make an entrance. Combine this gift for style with the most perfect head of raven-coloured curls and skin that looks like a child's cheeks fresh from a romp in the fall leaves, and well--- you can see where the hate part comes in. The girl is perfection. Oh, and did I fail to mention that she's as bright as a light and not the least bit pretentious. I guess that's where the love comes in.

*Above you'll see the unmatched beauty of Ali MacGraw--- a woman who doesn't even try to be stylish. She just is. And that, my friends, is half the art of being "a Caitlin."

Thyroid be gone!

Yes, friends. It's true. I lost 28 grams just over a week ago and I didn't need any help from Weight Watchers. Instead, I had my thyroid surgically removed (is there any other way??).

I don't recommend the experience to anyone seeking a little attention. There are better ways to get free mags and ice cream, I can assure you.

The real reason for this nasty procedure was purely precautionary. I had a 2.3 cm growth that had indicated a presence of what's known as Heurthle cells. These can be an indicator of cancer, although 95% of growths removed in these cases are benign so I'm not too concerned. I'll be getting the details of the pathology report this Thursday and I can finally put this thing to bed.

I'm happy to report that the summer has lots of fun in store for Don and I and we're not going to let infertility ruin it. Among the many things we have planned are the following:

• Seeing famed jazz pianist Dave Brubeck in concert at Massey Hall
• Catching a Blue Jays game with my folks
• A two-day trip to Stratford where we'll be staying at this lovely B&B and seeing The Glass Menagerie on stage
• 2 days at my uncle Jim's cottage in the Thousand Islands (this is particularly exciting because Don has never had the qunitessential Ontario cottage experience)
• A day trip to Centre Island
• The big move to our new house
• And last but not least, welcoming our dear friends Sarah and Tony to Toronto where Sarah will be immersing herself in academia and Tony will be embarking on a new chapter in his life as an artist. Can't wait!

Today was my first day back at work after the surgery. Went pretty well, I must say.

Because I'd spent the last 10 days holed up up in either the hospital or condo, my body was in desperate need of some exercise come the weekend, so Don and I took in a little High Park. Witness the green-y wilderness in this shot taken on Sunday.

I needed a little Cali to get my blogging ass in gear

Yes, I've been a touch off the map this past month. Maybe I just needed some quiet time to mourn the passing of Jane Jacobs. Or maybe, just maybe, I needed a little L.A. action to put life in perspective. (On that note, ponder this: why are reality shows produced in the most unreal place in the universe?)

So, Don and I just returned from a 5 day trip to California. I'd never been so it was quite the eye opening experience. We stayed at the Hotel California (replete with surfboards for headboards and the requisite cockroach). To its credit, we were steps from the Santa Monica Pier and pretty much everything else we needed to feel like an honorary Californian for a few days.

It was our good friend Bill's wedding that brought us there. Bill is a tranplanted Albertan who makes his living as an animator in Hollywood. His latest work? Garfield II: A Tail of Two Kitties.
Anyway, it was a lovely affair held at a ranch in Malibu. Weather was perfect. Vows were refreshingly unconventional. Good times were had. In fact, good times were made even better by the fact that the Oilers won the Western Conference Semi Finals. GOILERS!!!!

Sadly, the only celeb we spotted was American Idol's 2nd runner-up, Chris Daughtry. I was hoping I'd spot Peter Krause or Zach Braff. But no---they just didn't feel like having a mocha espresso bean blend at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf that day. I'm guessing they don't shop at Macy's either.

The Death and Life of Great Canadian Jane Jacobs

Today we lost one of the few idols in my life---Jane Jacobs. Urban planning genious. Author of my all time favourite piece of non-fiction, The Death and Life of Great American Cities. A New Yorker who transplanted herself in Toronto's Annex District in 1969, she was a trailblazer against the bulldozer. A lover of neighbourhoods in their most genuine, organic form. A staunch opponent of thoughtless development rooted in the almighty buck. And perhaps most important of all, an idealist with great faith in the strength of individuals and their ability to collectively make a difference in the world around them.

She was a rebel with a cause and I'm glad she graced our planet.

Bye neighbour.

Happy birthday, Granny.

This lovely photo is of my Granny. She celebrated her 80th birthday on April 6, 2006.

She's a special woman and in many ways, the "anti-granny". Not a knitter or a baker or a bridge player. Instead, she's a nature enthusiast, an artist, a voracious reader, a natural athlete who still walks at very brisk pace, and intelligent like you wouldn't believe.

I love this picture. It somehow seems so contemporary. It exudes confidence and even has a strangely feminist quality about it. Taking charge behind the wheel, not giving a shit about her hair. I just love it.

Happy birthday, Granny. You're a one-of-a-kind.

She's back!

Good news. I've risen from my month-long blog slumber and this means I have lots to share.

I left you all with a rather dreary entry that made some of you wonder if perhaps I'd lost my marbles. More good news. I'm ok.

I had one small victory on the baby-making front this past few weeks. I ovulated. For all I know, this is the first time I've ovulated in several months or even years. The RBU was keeping a close watch on my cycles and I ended up with 2 mature follicles. Don gave me an HCG shot on the day they were ripe for release and we crossed our fingers. I had every reason to be optimistic. Hell, I even had the potential for two eggs, which could have meant twins! My temp remained elevated for 14 days after ovulation and this was a good sign. I went in for my blood test yesterday and was bummed to discover that it was negative. So, now I wait impatiently for Aunt Flo and begin psyching myself for another round of reproductive Russian roulette.

This next round will be our most aggressive yet. In addition to the Clomid and Metformin, I'll be doing self-injectables from Day 3 until I ovulate. I'm also taking part in a PCOS research study that uses a new drug. AND, we're going to do artificial insemination on top of all this.

Everyone is asking why I want to throw in the towel after this next round and the answer is pretty simple. It's an emotional roller coaster that's taking its toll on me. Bottom line, we want a child in our lives. We're not getting any younger and you have to ask yourself, "When is enough enough?" So we're meeting with the social worker (recommended to us by a friend) on Monday. She will be the woman that administers our homestudy for adoption. This alone can take up to 6 months.

I just hope the stars align in the next year and we're well on our way to becoming parents.

So, my thyroidectomy has been scheduled for June 15th. The whole thing is being removed and I'll be on thyroid medication for the rest of my life. I'm really not that nervous about it.

The really, truly good news in my life is that I got hired by the United Way of Greater Toronto yesterday. Permanent, full-time with great benefits. It's a marketing manager position. I start on April 19th and I can't wait.

*The above photo is my Granny and Mom. Both of them had babies. Why can't I?

Hey Eeyore, wanna do lunch? I hear misery loves company.

Sorry for the longer than usual break between entries. Life has been a touch chaotic of late and finding time for peaceful reflection has been difficult. The fact that I've had a twitching eye for the past 10 days is a bit of a wake-up call.

Ever get the feeling that your head is too crammed with stuff to actually do anything satisfying or productive with yourself? That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Not a good feeling. Contemplating another move, battling infertility, biopsies for thyroid cancer, having a Mom in the throes of chemo, quitting a job, starting a new job, being told you’re at high risk for type 2 diabetes, undergoing the adoption process, learning how to sew, joining Weight Watchers… well, you can see why I’m swimming in circles.

The logical thing to do is erase a few of these things off the list and allow myself to focus on just a couple. So, here’s what I’ve arrived at:

1. Stop worrying about the move. Stay away from MLS, cease the daily prospect listings from our agent for the time being and limit the condo selling efforts to a poster in our lobby.
   
2. Join Weight Watchers again starting this Saturday. Self-esteem and motivation is at an all-time low and it’s due largely to the weight gain sitch.
   
3. Focus on having a good interview with the United Way on April 3rd.
   
4. Know that thyroid surgery won’t likely happen until the summer anyway
   
5. Have one last consult with the RBU at Mt.Sinai before we start the adoption process (which I will discuss in greater detail at a later date)
   
6. Find the joy in doing 3 hours of sewing every Saturday morning for the next 6 weeks
   
   I think this is relatively sane and reasonable. We shall see.

For fast acting relief, try slowing down

What a great little saying, coined by the wry Lily Tomlin. Duly noted, Lily.

I have only one reason to post today. The weather was glorious! Mother nature's magical elixir of tweeting birds, thawing grass and intoxicatingly fresh air was truly heaven sent. Don and I went for a long afternoon walk in my numero uno neighbourhood of choice to buy a house. Roncesvalles Village. We stopped in at Daddy-O's Milk Bar and got a tasty espresso milk shake titled "Little Green Men from Mars" to go. Up and down the blocks we went. Even the names of the streets put a smile on my face. Constance Ave. Garden Ave. And our favourite--Marmaduke Ave.

Gee, have I bothered to announce that Don and I are selling our condo? Well, we are and we're trying to do it privately, so we can bank as much moola as possible to put towards a house.

Today when we got home, I decided to do something a little left of centre in the world of househunting. I drafted a letter that I plan to put in the mailboxes of about 50 homes in the Roncy area. The plan is to buy some nice stationery and role it up like a diploma with some pretty ribbon and cross our fingers that the yocals can give us the inside scoop. Here's how the little note reads:

March 18, 2006

Hello,

Our names are Don and Sarah Banks and we’re interested in buying a home in the Roncesvalles Village/Parkdale/High Park area.

We currently live in a condo at Bloor and High Park but have our hearts set on finding a home in your area. The market, as we’re sure you know already, is very competitive and that is why we’re trying to “think outside the box” on how to find a home we can see ourselves living in.

If you or anyone you know is thinking of selling their home in the near future, we’d greatly appreciate you passing along our contact info.

Ideally, we are seeking the following:

· 3 bedrooms
· 2 bathrooms
· older character
· plenty of sun
· parking space

We’re prepared to take on a home that needs a reasonable amount of work but we’re keen to find a house with “good bones.”

Depending on the condition of the house, we are looking at paying between $325 and $375K.

We’re fairly flexible on the possession date but would like to move in by late summer, early fall. We greatly appreciate whatever insight or tips you can give us.

Many thanks.

Don and Sarah Banks
Ph: 416-766-0512
don.sarah.banks@gmail.com

Sarah too?

Sarah too? was a phrase made popular by yours truly when I was about 2 years old. It would innocently fall from my lips whenever an adult was doing something that I *too* wanted to participate in. Be it wrapping Xmas presents or a trip to the beer store, I was sure to chime in.

Ironic, that as a full grown adult, I now say this to myself silently whenever I see a woman who has conceived with the greatest of ease.

*Above is a shot of my Mom and Dad holding me up in Peterborough. I'm about 10 months old.
According to Don, I look like a little dolly. I won't argue with him.

Cease and de-cyst!

You can imagine my disbelief when I was told that both of my ovaries were "quiet" today. To my ignorant ear, quiet was just another way of saying useless, but I soon learned that quiet was a good thing. Quiet means they're cyst-free! And essentially ripe for follicle growth!

This cycle, they're upping the Clomid to 150mgs, day 3-7, I'll have the 1500mgs of Metformin and I'll be giving myself a gonadtrophin hormone shot when the egg release time is right.

This past week or so, I felt like I was living in a cave. Learning of my quiet egg makers has made me want to poke my nose out and get some fresh air.

The Gathering

I feel like I have a lot to talk about but I'm stupefyingly tired for some reason, so I make no guarantees on the validity or entertainment value of my virtual spew.

Last night I had a memorable get-together with old friends (you know who you are). Lots of wine and nostalgia and some priceless moments of nose-snorting hilarity. And yet for all its gaeity, I also caught myself very aware of the more serious elements of the gathering. I wouldn't call it sentimentality. It was more of a tender reminder of how short life is, how life has a way of becoming more complicated as we age and how these casual pow-wows are perhaps more important than we realize.

After 5 short hours of heavenly conversation and heartwarming self-reflection, I made my way to the subway. I consciously relished my reverie in -12 temperatures. "This slice of my life," I thought to myself, "has made me somehow better. Forever."