Pollyanna, where are you?

Okay, so my optimism waned a touch yesterday. Forget a touch. It was a motherlode of lost optimism. I just have this gut feeling that I'll never be pregnant. Call it the "anti-maternal instinct." I know we owe it to ourselves to try a few more tricks with the RBU but I just feel like there's too much working against us. PCOS, possible thyroid disease, possible diabetes. My inordinately long cycles. (I'm presently on day 42). And I can't help but remember being told as a young teen that I might not be able to have children because of the medication I took for epilepsy. (*Note: I've been off the medication since Grade 11 and the Dr. at Mt Sinai says it bears no relevance, but whatever---I've carried that possibility with me since I was about 13).

Combine this all with the fact that even if I was blessed with pregnancy, women with PCOS have a 45% chance of miscarriage!

Knowing and feeling all of this, I'm more and more inclined to get the adoption wheels in motion. Don on the other hand, is not so keen. He feels we haven't given it a fair shot. The truth is, he's right. But that hasn't stopped me from exploring all the international agencies in town---some of which have horrific names like "Mission of Tears" and "Precious Pearl Adoption." Some strike lightening bolts of skepticism when you visit their Web sites. First off, shitty Web site design always makes me vomit. But then there's the Christiany-y Christian crap and the mailing address that makes you think it's Auntie Maureen operating out of her kitchen in drab suburbia. (i.e. 1254 Firwood Court, Ajax, Ontario).

BUT... there are some credible ones too. With lots of cute pics of chilluns who have found homes. Should we go down this path, I'm thinking it will be a wee one from Bulgaria or the Ukraine that we pursue. This would be rather appropriate considing our neighbourhood (Bloor West Village/ High Park) has a large Ukrainian community. The pics above are from Caring Homes for Orphan Children, a Toronto-based agency dealing in Ukrainian and Bulgarian adoption.

But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself a bit here. I'm expecting a call from the RBU today with results from all those blood tests I took, plus an appointment with Dr. Greenblatt to discuss next steps.

Next entry? The pluses and minuses of adoption.